Have you ever been there?
For the last few months I felt like I needed a break. I felt a desperate need for a recharge, refocus and a renewed spirit. In short, I needed a big change. I guess the best way to describe it would be to say, I needed a heart transplant.
Knowing I needed a change of heart, I took a big step back and did some evaluating. What I noticed, was not pretty; it was down right ugly. While I was trying to put this journey into words, this little poem came into my head. To my amazement, when I began typing, the words just started flowing.( I knew this had to be from God) Now, I am by no means a poet, so please, forgive my feeble attempt!
A Heart Transplant
When I took a good look at me
I saw things I did not want to see.
I noticed I was becoming someone I did not want to be.
I was often way too snappy
and seldom joyful or happy.
I felt way too stressed and moody
but wanted to be chill and groovy.
I did not want to feel angry or mad
I wanted to feel peaceful and glad.
I wanted to laugh and feel care-free
But even that seemed so hard for me.
And no matter how hard I tried to be more
A self-made change was just not in store.
Not knowing what else to do,
I turned my eyes to You.
I put my pitiful heart in your steady hands
And trusted that You had better plans.
For You are truly the only One
that could get this heart transplant done.
With tears in my eyes,
I looked from the skies.
I would no longer believe the devil's lies.
For today was the day, I would get a fresh start
I could feel the peace and joy comfort me, as they nestled snug in my heart.
Praise God! He heard my heart's cry
and in His strength and mercy, I can rely.
Never alone,
are we left to roam.
He is with us all of the way
Every step of every day.
~Dorothy Gates~
Yes, I needed a heart transplant and I needed it bad.
I was in a dark funk. I was stressed, frustrated, moody, grumpy, troubled and often down-right angery.
And the worst part of it was that I didn't even know why!!!!!
I knew I needed to change. Oh, I had mastered the "Fake it till you make it" approach and I knew how to place that smile on and appear all was right with the world. But deep down I was not okay, I was miserable and causing those around me to be miserable.
Now let me clarify that while I was going through this confusing and frustrating time, I NEVER doubted my salvation, my relationship with God or His goodness. I knew I was simply going through a funk or a"FOG", if you will. It was a thick fog and it was doing it's best to rob me of my joy. However, I knew there was a Light at the end of the tunnel. I trusted that Light and ran for it. In my darkness and in my state of Fog that Light seemed to shine brighter and stronger and I clung to it hoping for a brighter day. But in order for a change I had to be honest with myself. I also had to remember that I was not alone or forsaken. God was right there with me in that Fog. He was shining His Light and waiting patiently for me to run to Him.
I would like to share some of the steps I took during this time. I know everyone's journey is different but this is what helped me and if it can help you then I know my time in the "Fog" was not in vain.
1. I clung to God.
I continued to read my Bible, pray, attend church and cling to God. There were days I did not want to or feel like it, but I did. I knew I needed God and I knew I had to be faithful to Him. I heard a preacher say that the harder the Devil would attack him, the more time He would spend with God. I knew during this time, I needed more of God, not less. The best thing I found for me was to continue my normal daily routines even when I did not want to. I also tried to take a step back from things that were being a distraction (for me it was TV and social media) and focus on all the good positive things in my life. I listened to devotions by amazing ladies of God, I read powerful books from Godly ladies and listened to good gospel music.
2. I clung to His promises
I held to the precious promises of the Bible. I wrote several verses down and would refer to them several times throughout the day. Here is a great verse that offered so much comfort during this time
II Corinthians 4: 8-9 "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed."
Psalms is loaded with wonderful promises of God and is a great book to read during hard times.
3. I had to be honest and get to the root of the problem
I am normally a very positive, happy, sincere person. I enjoy life and want to live it to the fullest. My deepest desire is to live an amazing life for God. So, when I noticed I was being grumpy, moody, unkind, negative and sometimes just down-right angry, I knew I needed to get to the root of the problem. At first, I tried to hide it, cover it up and pretend that nothing was wrong. Oh, it worked for a few hours, maybe a few days but then the suffocating, joy-robbing funk seemed to come back. It was when I decided to be honest, dig deep and go to God for help that healing began to occur. I also learned it was okay to NOT be okay. Healing did not happen immediately or over night. It was a process and not always an easy one. But, praise God I can say it happened.
4. I memorized verses that applied to my need.
I knew that I needed a heart renewal so I searched the Bible for verses that applied to that topic and began to memorize them. I quickly noticed that my brain does not retain information like it did when I was younger so I put those verses on sticky notes and hung them on my mirror. I also wrote some of them down in my prayer journal and anywhere I knew I would look through out the day. I knew I needed to be reminded several times a days and for me repetition is the key to learning. The Bible says "If ye abide in me and my Words abide in you, ye shall ask what you will and it shall be done unto you" John 15:7.
Here are a few of the verses that truly made a difference during my "Fog" and I will explain how God led me to these verses how He applied them to my life.
Psalm 51:10 ".....renew a right spirit within me."
This was my go-to verse, it was the very first verse that came to my mind and the one I quoted over and over and over. I knew I didn't have the right spirit and I needed the right one. So, I wondered what is the right spirit? Quickly the next verse came to mind..
Galatians 5: 22-23 " But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, Meekness, temperance..."
I knew I desperate needed these qualities in my life and this verse needed to be stamped in my mind and pressed deep into my heart. After reflecting on this verse, I noticed that the very first fruit of the Spirit is love (I don't think that was by accident) so God led me to the next verse about love and I knew I needed love love and more love.
I Corinthians 13:4-8 "Charity (love) suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things. Charity (love) never faileth"
Wow! Kinda seems that Love is the answer to every problem. Oh but wait...God is love, so yeah, it kinda is the answer!!!
Other verses that helped were
Proverbs 17:22 " A merry heart doeth good like a medicine but a broken spirit drieth the bones.
II Corinthians 4:16 ".....the inward man is renewed day by day."
4. I had to claim those promises and put my faith in God
I remember the day the missing step hit me like a ton of bricks. It was as if I had been putting a puzzle together and realized I was missing the very center piece. You see, I was reading my Bible, praying, memorizing wonderful scriptures but I had been doing all the work. I was trying to make the change. I was trying to be a happy person, a better mother, a lovable wife but I was failing and I was failing miserably.
Why? Because I was trying to make the change!
The day it hit me, I was pouring my heart out to God, I was talking, crying, begging, pleading, sulking, whining when it hit me,( right in the heart) The powerful verse from Psalms 46: 10 "Be still and know that I am God" It was as if God saying Sh...Be quite!
God was telling me to be still, be silent, let Him be God
Let Him be God?
Yes, the answer was plain and simple.
Let God be God.
He was the God of Abraham, David and Paul
He is the God of the universe and He is my God
I have a great big wonderful God. Nothing is too hard or impossible for Him.
He alone had that power to change my trouble soul and He was the missing puzzle piece.
That day, I apologized to God for making Him so small. I had not trusted God to fix the problem. Yes, I had prayed and told Him I had a problem but I had not trusted that He would solve the problem. That was the day my burden was lifted and the healing was truly complete. Peace immediately flooded my soul and joy quickly took the place of the stress and anguish I had been holding on to.What a special day that was to me!
5. I had to put my pride aside
Probably the hardest lesson for me to learn during this time was putting my pride aside and realize I didn't have it all together. I then had to seek forgiveness from my sweet family. Saying "I am sorry" is not easy for me. I'm not sure why, they are just 3 little words, but my-oh-my are they awfully powerful words. I can not even express the joy that came with those three humbling words, but once I said them I felt an over- abundance of joy. You may wonder why I needed to apologize to my husband and sweet little boy. Well, who do you think took the blunt of that moody, grouchy, frustrated, stress-out, sometimes down-right angry Fog that I was in? Yep, the two most important people in my life! I was ashamed and I knew I had to put my pride aside and make things right with them.
( Side note: I'm thankful that God gave me a husband who put up with my bad days and loved me when I was not all that love-able. It has made me love you all the more!!
Ladies, I do not come to you as an expert who has all the answers but rather a humbled child-of-God who has been recharged, renewed and basically has had a heart-transplant. I knew I needed a change and I craved to have God "create a right spirit in me". I do not know why we have to go through hard times or "Fogs" but I do not that if we allow God to have the glory, it will not be in vain.
I struggled with sharing this with you all because honestly, I like to have it all together. Like most women, I do not like to admit that I have short-comings, (AMEN??) but I want to be relatable . I recently came across this verse and knew that God wanted me to share my heart.
II Corinthians 1:3-4
"Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
If we never have troubles or dark days,God would never be able to comfort us.
If we have never been comforted by God how can we truly comfort others.
If we comfort others with the love of God, we are using our suffering for His glory and....
Maybe just maybe, we can show the world the love, mercy, kindness and goodness of our Heavenly Father
