Have you ever asked the question "Why God, Why Me"?
Well if you are a human and your heart is beating then there's a pretty good chance you have. No matter how great of a Christian you are or how much faith you have or how much you read the Bible; there just seems to be times in our lives that certain situations bring us to our knees asking God "Why??"
I pretty much live my life with unwavering faith in God. I have a very optimistic personality and see the good in situations (most of the time) However, there have been heartbreaks, disappointments and struggles that have left me wondering "Why". Some of those situations, I can now look back on and say "Oh, that is why, Thank you God" And then other situations that have left me utterly amazed saying "Wow God!"
Such is the time when God struck my heart with the thought of how He alone can change our "Why God?" into "Wow God!"
You see, God took me on a journey and during this journey I was filled with doubt( lots of doubt), a little bit of bitterness and some resentment. But God's sweet love took me out of the dark dungeon of doubt and set me on the beautiful mountain of mercy.
It all started on a dark snowy, icy evening which left me in the ER waiting for the Dr. to confirm that my foot was broken. This dreadful evening comes into my mind very clearly, every detail still raw and fresh as if it were just yesterday.You see, it was the night my husband and I were in a terrible car wreck and the night I was first told I would never have children.
The story begins when we were on our way home from work. Due to the snow and icy road conditions we decided to meet up at my husband's office, leave my car in town and ride home together in his truck.We debated just taking my car but he decided last minuted on his truck instead ( a rather small decision that saved our lives). We drove very slowly and carefully and were only 5 miles from home, I remember telling my husband that I trusted his driving but it was the other drivers I did not trust.
It seemed those words were no longer out of my mouth when my husband shouted "Hold on!" I looked up just in time to see a large SUV heading straight towards us. The driver had obviously hit ice and lost control of his vehicle.
I closed my eyes and grabbed on to the handle of the door as if bracing for the impact. It took only seconds for the two vehicles to collide into each other and for the horrific crash to be over. But in those few seconds it literally felt like an eternity.
I remember, the feeling of everything happening in slow motion and life at that moment being out of my control. I remember the terrible sounds of metal hitting metal, the sickening sound of glass shattering into a million pieces, the blunt force of my body being slammed back and forth several times into the dash board while the truck was being slammed again into a ditch.
I remember the pause button being hit and almost immediately everything stopped then the bone chilling, eerie sound of complete silence. I remember for several seconds being terrified to open my eyes to the unknown. In that split second, I was scared that when I opened my eyes I would find myself in Heaven. I quickly tried to take a breath and realized that I had held my breath the entire time of the accident. It was in that breath that I felt a sharp pain in my chest and knew, I was alive. Then the horrible fear of opening my eyes and turning my head to look at my husband. What if he was not okay. I could not find the strength to open my eyes, I was literally scared to death,.
My eyes were still closed begging God to let him be okay, when I heard my husband's frantic voice asking if I was okay. My eyes quickly opened and I looked over at him. I could tell he was okay but the current situation was not. It did not take long to observe that he was trapped in the truck.
It was then that we were somehow snapped out of our slow motion time warp and brought into a rather fast forward present state of being. Immediately, people came to our rescue. I could hear them trying to open the jammed doors and offering words comfort . Amazingly, one of the volunteer helpers was a police officer who already had an ambulance and other officers on the way. We were told by everyone that they could not believe we were alive.
Honestly, the events that occurred after this are all a blur, I was put on a stretcher and put in the ambulance and out of the corner of my eye I saw my husband being rolled in next to me. While the paramedics were getting us situated, one of the helpers (who ended up being one of my husband's co-workers) kindly searched the truck and found our cell phones, insurance information, my purse and my husband's wallet. He thoughtfully did this for us, because we were still in shock and never thought to get these items out of the truck
We were then rushed to the hospital and they immediately took us separate ways. And we would not see each other again for several hours.
They took me in for several X-rays because my chest hurt terribly and I thought my foot might be broken.After several rounds of MRI, CAT scans and X-rays, they brought me back to a room to wait on the DR and what seemed like a lifetime passed before he or anyone else ever came back into the room.
The kind DR ( total sarcasm here ) who had absolutely no bedside manners or compassion and didn't seemed to have any enjoyment in his job, bluntly told me that my foot was not broken. Then he quite dryly told me that during the CAT scan they discovered that I had several large tumors in my uterus. He said they needed to be removed immediately. He asked me if I had any children. I was still a little stunned to answer, so I nodded my head no and wondered to myself if this meant I had cancer or if I was dying. He very abruptly told me that I would never be able to have children and that I needed to have a hysterectomy as soon as possible.
I felt as if he had just kicked me in the gut and slapped me in the face all at the same time. I couldn't breathe and my foot, that I just knew was broken, was sending a sharp pain all the way to my heart. ( Or was my heart breaking from the news the DR had just given me). I was trying to concentrate on what the DR was saying but he was talking so fast and matter-of-factly and my foot hurt so bad and my brain felt like mush and the next thing I knew I heard him say, "Now do not ask me any questions, save those for your OBGYN" and he turned around and left just as quickly as he had entered.
There I was, left alone, confused, shocked in terrible pain and not able to talk to anyone. The tears began to pour down my face as the words "You will not be able to have any children" rang in my ears over and over and over.
I began to pray but my mind began to spin out of control.
"Why God? Why me?"
It didn't seem fair. I couldn't understand how this could be happening to me.
This was not part of my plan or part of my dreams.
I want to be a mother! Who is this man to tell me I can't!
How would my husband take this news, we had only bee married a few years.
Where was my husband and when would I get to see him.
How was he? Gracious, was he okay?
There I was left alone with my crazy thoughts and this heartbreaking news
Several hours later, my husband was released and brought into my room. I was a total mess by that point! I was crying uncontrollably and my poor husband thought I was dying.
I explained to him what the DR had said. He was very supportive and encouraging. The poor guy had a broken arm and a broken foot but was far more concerned about me than his own pain and injuries. We were soon released to go home and start our recovery process.
Due to our injuries, we were both off work for quite a while. I was in physical therapy for my foot, which was not healing.and after a month of very painful therapy and new x-rays, the Dr. discovered my foot was indeed broken (ha!) My husband's truck was totaled and we were down to one car. Between the injuries, the heartbreaking news of no babies and the never-ending pile of doctor bills, I began to slip into a depression. I would regularly ask, "Why God? Why me?"
I knew I needed to visit my OBGYN to get another opinion. So once my body had recovered and I was healthy enough to make the appointment I had the hope she would correct the silly ER Doctors information. However, she sadly confirmed what I did not want to believe. I had several large fibroid tumors and due to the location that they were in it would be impossible for me to have children. She also did not recommend having them removed but recommended having a hysterectomy when I was ready.
My husband was there with me and could see the disappointment all over my face. We left her office and were on our way home we decided that we would put the matter in God's hands. We promised each other that we would not become bitter but that we would be the happiest married couple in the world and serve God with our whole heart.
If you know me or have read my blog or follow me on Instagram, you know that this is not the end of my story. Nope, it was just the beginning...
But back to my first big "Wow God!" moment. This moment was when He financially took care of every single penny we were out due to the wreck. The man who hit us, did not have insurance and there was some confusion with our insurance and we did not think they would cover us.
Let me tell you, there is so much more involved in a wreck that you never even think about. Yes, you expect the Doctor bills and the medicines but you never think about the totaled truck, the towing prices, the cost of your truck sitting in a junk yard, the $20,000 ambulance ride to the hospital. I mean the bills were mounting sky high and on top of it all my husband still needed a truck.
I remember collecting all the bills and laying them next to my Bible. I began to cry and beg God to do a miracle. I specifically recall challenging God to take care of every penny we were out, and take care of the money we still owed. I remember mentioning that He owned the cattle on a thousand hills and He could financially take this burden off of us.
I don't remember the exact timeline but it was a very short time after that prayer when we got a phone call from our insurance company asking us to meet with them and bring all or our bills.
In that meeting we soon discovered that they would be taking care of every single penny we were out. They wrote my husband a check for his truck, paid the towing company, the junk yard, they paid every penny to the hospital, the Doctors, all of our medicines and the physical therapy bill. They even wrote each of us a personal check for pain and suffering. I remember looking at that check with tears forming in my eyes and saying "Wow God"!
God had answered our prayer and showed us that He is faithful and He will take care of our needs. I can not tell you what this did for us. I am not sure if there is anything sweeter in this life than to see a prayer request answered. We knew in that moment that God loved us!
Now for my 2nd big "Wow God!" moment, which is my biggest miracle.
For the most part my husband and I were truly happy in our marriage but I would be lying if I said I never question God or that my heart did not long to be a mommy. I still asked God "Why". But God does not have to explain why. He works in ways we can not understand. His ways are not our ways nor His thoughts our thoughts. God loves to work with the impossible and loves to still preform miracles.
In 2013 we had the shock of our lives when we found out that we were pregnant. My Doctor said it was simply a miracle and she could not explain how it could possibly have happened. But she didn't have to, we both knew it was God. We had put the matter into His hands and He alone would get all the glory in this pregnancy.
When my son was born his DR and the hospital named him the Miracle Baby. And he truly was. I was allowed to see a modern day miracle in my life. God changed my "Why God?" into "Wow God!" and I have been able to share my testimony several times with other ladies. I am able to give God all the glory. Every time someone has mentioned how cute he is, I am able to share the fact that he is a miracle.
Maybe you are going through something to big for you and your world had been rocked and your feet have been knocked out from under you. You feel as if you can not breathe another breath. Maybe your "Why God" is your health or a financial struggle. Maybe your sorrow is causing a depression you can not get out of. Is it loneliness or rejection, heartbreak or disappointment? No matter if it is your job, your family or your church that has left you pleading "Why God?", just remember He is in control and NOTHING is too big for Him. Give Him the opportunity to change your "Why God into Wow God". Whatever it is put it in the Master's Hands and let Him take control, isn't it wonderful that nothing is too big for God.
The words of the child's song are very inspiring words for us to remember, "My God is so great, so strong and so mighty. There's nothing my God can not do".
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